Arjuna's penance

Bima_Melawan_Arjuna_by_transbonja

Was standing there,in the midst of Mahabalipuram.
Had went in search for a happy lunch,a sudden hitch to settle my poor enunciated emancipated body.

And there in all its glory,two words were all I could see.

"Arjuna's penance."
or was it - Random shit.

Suddenly, images came to me when after one of his battles Arjuna would have come and think.
After even talking to Krishna,even after agreement that Kauravas were sinners and he had to behead them,even after that he would come back and talk to himself.Say sorry to himself for killing his brothers.
After mustering the courage,entering Yudhisthara's bedroom to choose his karma over the respect of his brother and brother's wife(at that time),even after choosing what is right,he would come back and think in his penance.

A figure so big as Arjuna himself too had his penance,his moments of glory,his tears of remorse.

And I me myself,all 3 of us still unaware of weaknesses.
Still, very much involved in life's glory but never ever retrospecting what went wrong always.
Why the same mistake's have been killing me since ages.
The recipe of success which I drank once has become elusive.

Need to slow down a bit.I know I can't slowdown this world.
It would be a rat race.
Maybe I better slow down to understand myself.
Anyways this race is not about others,the world but for me.

As a friend of mine,Samir and maybe his friend has rightly said-
"the trouble in the rat race is dat.. even if u win.. ur still a rat..."

This week's 3ww being hitch,drank,muster

Between I just crossed my 100 posts(This is 101th post : )
~Harsha

moment of truth

Image Courtsey-The_Rooftop_Confrontation_by_Zinfer

Do you really know how it feels all the time.
Why am I so much at odds with myself. I know the truth that others don't know...about me.

I am a big time coward.

It won't be even noticed by others,I either play this game with extreme perfection or my so called luck has been so exorbitantly placed that the slickness makes people believe that I am a confidence powerhouse.But even then I should get caught.It is difficult to be admired at times.
Sometimes I believe the sooner the better.
The way I operate is nothing but my self handicap mechanism.
 I talk a lot about new opportunities, taking part in initiatives,portraying myself,doing discussions but just when the point comes I think I turn cold.
Cold like a frozen fish,not stale but even then lifeless.
After that whatever I do, dubiously push me into havens I don't want to tread.
Piece by piece I peel myself but still no one sees it.

Till when is the question.
Bigger questions still stand.Some of them are sad revelations.There was a time when I had the gift of gab driven  by a strong persuasive force.Those were the times when I could make you agree on anything with my powerful points.Of late the debater in me has taken a run for his life.I now start but the moment point trickle I take a stand.

The stand now being- not to think neither to argue.
I will take everything you give.Now I don't debate.Only the gift of gab remains.
Aimless,directionless,speechless.

It is as if these thoughts have no base.There is no thought process to follow.

This whole introspection was there always but it has been staring at my face since yesterday.
Yesterday I met Samir after ages.Samir my would be co author if ever we write something.

We both were discussing and shooting down ideas for a book which someday we would produce.I was explaining him why certain things won't work compared to the different genres present.

He told me one thing-That I (Harsha) was a guy who gets easily influenced by others always.

The discussion is still there but this thought kept on lingering.
I have been looking back on these issue since then again and again.
Questions are hard to answer.It actually matters from which side of the table I am looking at.

But,then the view remains the same.

This week's 3ww being admire,follow,piece
~Harsha

the thin line

Image credit:Mindsurfing on a thin line... by ~dominododo

Have I forgotten the thin line.
The thin line's flailing omnipresence,
The thin line's meteoric rise,
The thin line's benign malice,
How can I ignore the conquest i had over that thin line.

Before we all slumber out over this issue I believe it is an important to reveal what "the thin line"is .

I call the thin line as the transition line.The border that contains borders.
It is not too big for anything neither too small.

Sounds melancholic yet pensive.

Let me put it this way. Eons ago I realized one thing.
It is always not needed to pretend.
It is always not needed to press your self for things you want to morph into.
It is all in the mind and once you achieve that supreme mind morph things would be easy.

Have you ever tried swimming.
How insanely difficult it has been.I for one never understood the way it worked.
Keep your head over the water, take a deep breath, move your hands in unison with your body.
By the time it ended my whole body just pained,until one day when I was just drifting with the flow.

No efforts needed, no muscle twitched all just plain pleasure.
That was exactly the day when I crossed the thin line.

After many days this thin line surfaced again just because I was looking at the pics of some healthy guy,healthier and at par with me.
There was no struggle to conceal the plumpness, no pain,no disdain just pure acceptance and I believe now he was looking at his best.The best he could have looked in ages.
The best he could ever give.

Why,only because he was not struggling anymore.
He was not gnawing himself anymore,it was like as if he was swimming without the effort to swim.

And one day when we all realize the thin line and work in ways such that the thin line doesn't matter to us,the day when pretense is being knocked by omnipresence.
That day I promise the deliveries would be smooth,you yourself would be less hostile to your OWN self.
And that day whatever steps we take towards achieving that perfection,maybe that desired body,that coveted job,that deep profile anything would be possible.


~Harsha  

Investment analysis-A panacea to my woes

Long nights make me happy.
Shorter days make me even more happier.
But today's day had been long,maybe too long.
I just remembered that again cause I saw Anirudh deeply camped in Pratik's room and studying, also for a CFA course at this time of the long night.Pratik was shamelessly copying the eternal QM presentation or washe doing.Well,I found it better not to question them and left back for my room.

Yes,the day was long.
It could have reasoned and waned out like any other small day but then there was THE investment class.
Extremely thought provoking,grossly enriching........should have been the words I yearn to attach with this class.
Well, without doubts it surely was considering the extra miles the prof has been walking,waking and coaxing us to move out or move in.Actually,I don't really remember now after his numerous -"You not interested,pre reads exist,go wash your face" lines.
One thing that happened good was the social networking I did.It has really been years after I really messaged someone.And when I realised this in the midst of the class, I also realised that the whole list in my phone's contacts has never been touched since I have joined this MBA class.It is only my girlfriend and me who exchange messages.
So,with this newly found renaissance I set on a mission.
A mission to send personalised messages to all of them.During the process I also realised that many numbers had become extinct now and many of my friends would have been feeling as if their prehistoric friend has finally arisen to text them.
Oh,yes and the class was still going.Infact he is one of the best profs I would come across.
Still I managed this because 3 terms teach you how to text like hell and at the same time maintain einstein's unflinching interested expression.

After finishing major texting I realised that there was still time left.The class had not devoured the stipulated 3 hour 15 minutes assigned to it.
I once again stood like the mindless numb staring at people asking brilliant questions and the prof entertaining with the most stimulating insights which later zombified into breath taking(pun intended) discussions.
Somebody not agreeing at all.Of late I have been seeing in all choice based questions in a show of hands a clear demarcation of yes and no.2 for yes,7 for no and the remaining 130 poor creatures who could not decide what conspiracy the world is upto and hence not able to raise hands in either of the choices.
But the flavour of the season had been-None of the above which explained why without knowing a single word ,sometimes I reigned supreme,in my eyes atleast.
Today was no different.
Then don't know why,looking at the enthusiasm I felt bad,bad at me wasting myself.
Straddled in one of the most prestigious and costliest courses India could give and still wasting my time in mindless messaging.
What would be my upgraded version when I leave this place after one year.
I clearly was not studying but also not feeling bad,infact not feeling anything regarding this.
Might be because some people have put in my mind that all this would never be asked,some have told that placements don't even ask for your marks,some have driven down the fact that whatever you do in your life you would only get an IT job.
And hence no studies.
But then this has happened earlier.
Before my CAT days,I had stopped believing that I could do something,that time the reasons were different in themselves but still the same as of now.
It din't take me much time that the competition giving cat had either been from the best schools,best engineering colleges,were into jobs or had magnificent extra currics which meant state level wins.
I was in a school which itself was decent in the city but my marks discounted me from any merit I could associate with that association.Infact I wonder whether the school has blacklisted me from their alumni list after the dizzying bottoms I had brought their disciplined academic records to by my on the border marks in Phy Chem and maths.
College was so reputed that even the grocery store owner next to our college would never know about it.
Job-I was unaware of such terms.
But I hoped to qualify directly into IIMs.
With much hope I cracked the cat my first attempt with a marvelous score.
Actually it took me few days to tell myself that a score of 29 percentile is marvelous only from the last and even a school going boy would get more if he doesn't mark a single answer.
That day had been the same.
But then I saw a dream,for myself,which clearly ordered me and begged me to atleast have a dream, a dream only to satiate myself.It told me that no matter what the circumstances be atleast be true to yourself.
I again gave CAT.Yes,it took me four attemps wherein the 29 tutned to 58,58 to 85,85 to 91 and finally 91 to 97.8 percentile.Yes,it is not a big deal and I agree but for some one who had got a 33 in maths in 12th CBSE board this atleast appeared satisfactorily amazing.
And all happened cause I made myself beleive in myself.
It was that one dream one day.

Just that hope is missing somewhere.
And then the class again resumed with someone else caught sleeping.
The mental image needs to be built again.
Murmuring again took over the class.
And I need to believe that I can fit the picture that I am about to draw for myself.
We were given the choice to leave the class if we wanted.
A picture which would again show me  a dream.

Neither me left nor the dream.

~Harsha

P.S.-The author humbly agrees that this is not a gimmick to show off his only achievement in life although which has not been much and that is his cat score,so the above text should not be used against him.

P.P.S.-The author is an asshole and it is late in the night.

tomorrow

There is a thin tipping point on when,what and how much to write.
Sometimes I write and sometime writing makes me write.
Off late no one of us has been compelling enough to elucidate an enunciation.
Me and my artist are at the ends of a tug of war.Same goes when I am in deep conversation with my love.
What is there that makes me less of the mortal I am.I still think and still observe.
Have these been my decisions or would these be my imperative moves that I am going to take in the years to come.
What I am good at comes not from the fact of what I am really good at.It is what I negotiate with my mind of what I am good at.
Writing is the only thing that comes naturally to me but even then this muse could never be a vice.
This has made me stand up and think that what IT is that stops me from taking the plunge,the leap of faith.
Where does my heart lie really.

There should be something really concrete that is compelling me to ask myself at 4:21 am in the morning with a mid term exam the next day-What is it?
Well,to set the record straight-I am initiative and am here to seek answers to the unquestioned answers.
I ask myself that why have I not let my initiative switch roles with myself.
Why don't I ever see myself being carried away by my initiative side.

What is it that stops me.
But then what is it that kicks me.

Initiative is not what I can show at my work place and be content with.It is a damning person.
Would I continuously let myself erode or would I stay.
Sometimes I feel to let go off things.Like a battle lost,like a noose tightened,like stopping to struggle just before death.
Reason is I expect an excruciating too much.

Initiative not shown at the football ground,fear of leading from the front.
Initiative of not asking a question in the class.fear of standing alone.
Initiative of not hitting peopele when things turned bad.Fear of losing people.
Initiative of not applying to that competition which I was good at.
Initiative of not standing on the chair when others were at oratorical eloquence.

Well,I agree that it is not fear always.Many a times it also has been the feeling of content.Of times when I saw that I could do better but still let go.
Even then initiative has to play the cast,take a lead and applaud itself.
An even bigger question or maybe an answer would be plain sloth.
Just that tipping point.
Just the next step.

Maybe.

A day again behemoths asI keep typing.
Words have come but has the meaning really been achieved.
A potential distrust,a macabre happening what tomorrow has in for me.

But that is basically what I am arguing upon.
It is not what tomorrow has for me.
It is what I have for tomorrow.

Initiative...


~Harsha
This week's 3WW being erode,heart and observe.

The lull

It is as simple as blood flowing through my veins.
As simple as sex with a loved one.
As simple as water running downhill or as clear as envy killing the brain.
But even then why is there that last lap which I have been avoiding.
Why me of all the people creating a cyst of mine.
People have adapted their minds to this me.

This is NOT me.
This can never be me.

I have been a man who has been raw,
like a lion roaring,like the wind blowing,like the dew tickling.
I of all the people can never stay and wait.
I have been a man of action of decisiveness.I have glided through difficulties with ease.

And still today when I was thinking about me I realised there are things where am dwelling without a direction,places I am still worshiping without a deity.The lie needs to be quashed.

How can I forget that there is only one god here and that's me.

Finally the time has come.For others start listening to lullabies cause I will lull you to silence.
I believe my time has come.No it hasn't come I just brought it back.

This week's 3WW being adapt,glide and lie

~Harsha

LOKPALayan

Chaal hai tedi

Dagmagai hui si

Hosh hai besudh

Ladkhadae hue se

Sans hai adhuri

Bheegi hui si

Simat ti karahti

Tilmila ke fir bhi

Jagti hai

Hasti hai aur manti hai

Ki jana hai ab mujhe

Us par nadia ke

Jab mujhe jhukna na padega

Apne hi haq k lie

Jab kalkothri na mujhe bandh paegi

aur na rok sakegi mujhe hazaro ki fauz

kyunki ab ladai mei nahi lad raha hu

mei to sirf ek zaria hu tum sabka

zindagi tumhari ab mei nahi jee raha
kyunki haq hai ye tumhara aur koshish bhi

 taqat hai ye tumhari aur paisa bhi

par fir bhi kyu

hum mare til til ke 

aur wo hanse khil khil ke

bharath ne hai ek hunkar kia

safed vastro ne chadai hai prachanda

Lekin tarkash bhi apna 

aur ban bhi 

sadhna hai to lakshya

jisko mitana aur jiska ankho se mitna

hai sirf ek hi hath me

hath hai wo hamara

kyunki

desh hai yeh hamara