go go go

Its 2 in the night.One of my most powerful moments of the whole day,before dawn after night.I reign.I look.

But do i rule,or these are but my mind playing tricks with me.

Just now have made mental note to study for this year's big exams.

And then saw Russell peter's show and then I am again asking myself -Can I ever be at a place like that.

There is one profession that right now I am following and I pretty suck at it.But that's a respectable one.People are mad about it.You have tonnes of money in it,Only if one can mint it in the right way.

Probably,I can't.

And then there are things that I am good at,probably.

Things where my mind runs at lightning speed,probably,and there is value out there.But right now where I am its all considered plain crap.

Plan to write a novel,plan to host shows,plan to travel the world,plan to kick butt,plan to run on the roads now,plan to do my MBA by biting the cat real hard.PLAN.

This word itself has become a jeering question nowadays.

All my plans I have seen doing backflips in the dirtiest of the puddles.Yes,I have grown since these plans first surfaced but my position still remains as the remnant of the same stupid kid.

Aimlessly once more my eyes graze the virgin road taking seducive curves,all waiting to be trampled by me.Just feel like picking my bike and roving the road.

(Mental note to self:-Got to buy a bike)

Again have to organize myself.Have consistently been making my mind agree to the fact that this chain can't be torn,this shackle can't be defabricated.

Is that jeering road ruling me by calling me or is it I who am controlling it.

Is it me who is taking decisions and moulding life or rather it is life that is calling me names and just bending me in the situations.

What am I,a book keeper,a journal writer,an amateur,a coward,a liar,a pot bellied idiot,a dignified meek,a mundane lifestyle,an incongrous shakespere,an emanciated self...........

Drastically set goals tend to elongate like the life of a medically extended old soul.

Happy for the life but sad for the self.

Happy because I am afraid to die,sad because am not able to live.

Yes euthanasia is the only solution.Yes it is.

~Harsha

ctrl+alt+delete

What to do when a standstill is stretched beyond boundaries.
What to feel when repetitive flogging drains the brain's carcass.
What to do when the sole point of doing something itself becomes so disturbing that the questions sometime shield you as much as they hinder you.
Feeling of not achieving things have elevated to such an extent that I am revelling in the pain of failures.
The only bouts of freshness or rather masochistic happiness has been the spasms of nothing ness.

Dreams shattered,happiness stabbed,mediocrity slumped...laughing over the ghouls of past,over those infinitesimal small glistening buds,buds of success,drops of camouflaged failures,ores of scathed skeptical wins,wins so small but made so big in the self immolating refinery that made me believe that I stand as the witness and as the proof that a man can win,no matter how small he is,or how ugly he looks or rather most importantly how foolish he is.
All my life the figments I celebrated were of a supposed day when I would achieve what i have been yearning for.
All the seconds I checked the clocks just to check the clock to find the current time just to notice my success's presence.
Yes,to say I lost once again won't do much justice,but yes to analyse it over so as to abate failure's future pretense might do some good.
But,hasn't this been an often repeated ritual in a journey that I have ceremoniously followed,religiously accepted.

The only thing worth reiterating is the fact that you don't feel the low because of a rocket science gone bad but rather because of the fork that you placed wrong.
A doomed country as the aftermath of that failed rocket might not wake you,but yes the rigid faces on your dinner table might.
Yesterday was one of such days for me.
A wait so long came to an end.
I am a happy go lucky guy.
I get things quite easily,but those that I have got were never of that octane importance as others keep feeling for me.
But yes there was this one thing and there is still this one thing that I have wanted most of my life.
I had put in real hard work but with time failed to agree that yes,I am a notch lower in my brain's make than many with whom I thought to flag the crusade.
Somewhere,in the alley's nooks my brain itself made me forget it's limitations.
To dream high is very important but to stay grounded at the same time is even more important.
I know it went wrong but where,is a question I too am still contemplating.
After a tough time the barrage of emotions had piled to a height that were just a breakeven breather.
The small nail in the coffin that ravaged me with seething desperation came again as always,uncalled but omnipresent inside me.
I sometimes question myself-am I a fool,why am I stuck in things as small as finding addresses,locating the turns that I just crossed,remembering the names of people I just met,making the same maths question wrong that I did before half an hour.
And again the same situation encumbered me.
It was a already a day of dejection.
Results of major exams that I gave were out and I wasn't selected for any 1 good.
It meant only one thing-I have to do job again for one more year,job which I find boring,which I find doesn't understand my creative wings,stifles me morbidly not because it does but because I think it does.
With a heavy racking mind went to join the Big blue.
Was weak as had been ill since the past few days.
And then after a meeting for a new project and working on some initial onboarding details,planned to leave office.
The hopelessness had seeped from my mind to my body.
Was just finding the way I came to the 1st floor.
Saw the lift but wanted to catch the staircase,but as always my incessant queer brain made me feel impossible to spot the way I came up.
And then I saw a staircase with bar shaped gate.
In my previous company pressing the bar opened the gate and led me through the passage.
Thought same and pressed the bar,but here in IBM this was meant to be an emergency exit.
The moment I pressed the bar an alarm started resonating.
In a matter of seconds 10-20 people came rushing.Amidst the chaos a voice shot -"He is the one."
Questions were shot and all asked me why din't I just catch the same stairs by which I came.
The only answer that I mumbled was that I forgot the path.
With their horrified amazement set in my heavy heart I moved downstairs and this was the point that made me question myself-Why am I such a big fool?
That evening I walked to my home for quite long.
Heavy heart came seeping out through perceptive organs at varied intervals.
I was not celebrating my bigger failures that happen most of the times but the smaller direction disorientations that happen all the time.
Yesterday was one of the days when I felt quite low.
But I have reprimanded it today with a cheerful smile.

I am trying to re see things,re animate my mind,re correct the roads etched in my mind,re read the directions that I so wrongly analyse,accept the fact that I am happy that I felt so low yesterday.

Cause a man stands only after falling.
Whether yesterday's fall was strong enough or i still need a more substantial fall,the question is why wait,when the answer questions me to just run :)

~Harsha

With 3ww 
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