Wednesday, December 23, 2009

ctrl+alt+delete



What to do when a standstill is stretched beyond boundaries.
What to feel when repetitive flogging drains the brain's carcass.
What to do when the sole point of doing something itself becomes so disturbing that the questions sometime shield you as much as they hinder you.
Feeling of not achieving things have elevated to such an extent that I am revelling in the pain of failures.
The only bouts of freshness or rather masochistic happiness has been the spasms of nothing ness.

Dreams shattered,happiness stabbed,mediocrity slumped...laughing over the ghouls of past,over those infinitesimal small glistening buds,buds of success,drops of camouflaged failures,ores of scathed skeptical wins,wins so small but made so big in the self immolating refinery that made me believe that I stand as the witness and as the proof that a man can win,no matter how small he is,or how ugly he looks or rather most importantly how foolish he is.
All my life the figments I celebrated were of a supposed day when I would achieve what i have been yearning for.
All the seconds I checked the clocks just to check the clock to find the current time just to notice my success's presence.
Yes,to say I lost once again won't do much justice,but yes to analyse it over so as to abate failure's future pretense might do some good.
But,hasn't this been an often repeated ritual in a journey that I have ceremoniously followed,religiously accepted.

The only thing worth reiterating is the fact that you don't feel the low because of a rocket science gone bad but rather because of the fork that you placed wrong.
A doomed country as the aftermath of that failed rocket might not wake you,but yes the rigid faces on your dinner table might.
Yesterday was one of such days for me.
A wait so long came to an end.
I am a happy go lucky guy.
I get things quite easily,but those that I have got were never of that octane importance as others keep feeling for me.
But yes there was this one thing and there is still this one thing that I have wanted most of my life.
I had put in real hard work but with time failed to agree that yes,I am a notch lower in my brain's make than many with whom I thought to flag the crusade.
Somewhere,in the alley's nooks my brain itself made me forget it's limitations.
To dream high is very important but to stay grounded at the same time is even more important.
I know it went wrong but where,is a question I too am still contemplating.
After a tough time the barrage of emotions had piled to a height that were just a breakeven breather.
The small nail in the coffin that ravaged me with seething desperation came again as always,uncalled but omnipresent inside me.
I sometimes question myself-am I a fool,why am I stuck in things as small as finding addresses,locating the turns that I just crossed,remembering the names of people I just met,making the same maths question wrong that I did before half an hour.
And again the same situation encumbered me.
It was a already a day of dejection.
Results of major exams that I gave were out and I wasn't selected for any 1 good.
It meant only one thing-I have to do job again for one more year,job which I find boring,which I find doesn't understand my creative wings,stifles me morbidly not because it does but because I think it does.
With a heavy racking mind went to join the Big blue.
Was weak as had been ill since the past few days.
And then after a meeting for a new project and working on some initial onboarding details,planned to leave office.
The hopelessness had seeped from my mind to my body.
Was just finding the way I came to the 1st floor.
Saw the lift but wanted to catch the staircase,but as always my incessant queer brain made me feel impossible to spot the way I came up.
And then I saw a staircase with bar shaped gate.
In my previous company pressing the bar opened the gate and led me through the passage.
Thought same and pressed the bar,but here in IBM this was meant to be an emergency exit.
The moment I pressed the bar an alarm started resonating.
In a matter of seconds 10-20 people came rushing.Amidst the chaos a voice shot -"He is the one."
Questions were shot and all asked me why din't I just catch the same stairs by which I came.
The only answer that I mumbled was that I forgot the path.
With their horrified amazement set in my heavy heart I moved downstairs and this was the point that made me question myself-Why am I such a big fool?
That evening I walked to my home for quite long.
Heavy heart came seeping out through perceptive organs at varied intervals.
I was not celebrating my bigger failures that happen most of the times but the smaller direction disorientations that happen all the time.
Yesterday was one of the days when I felt quite low.
But I have reprimanded it today with a cheerful smile.

I am trying to re see things,re animate my mind,re correct the roads etched in my mind,re read the directions that I so wrongly analyse,accept the fact that I am happy that I felt so low yesterday.

Cause a man stands only after falling.
Whether yesterday's fall was strong enough or i still need a more substantial fall,the question is why wait,when the answer questions me to just run :)


~Harsha


With 3ww 
image source-visit the link to see artist's(12*7) creative work

12 comments:

  1. Wonderful piece and "Here, here" to those of us who are 'The happy go lucky ones.'

    Merry Christmas...

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  2. I used to be the happiest/go-luckiest kind of guy and I think I lost it along the way. Fear of the unknown does that. Thanks for the reminder.

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  3. To each day, its own success and failure. I'd be so happy to have a perfect day! Nicely written!

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  4. very neatly written and it does have an impact!

    Rigid Stains

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  5. @Tim Remp
    :),happy go lucky ones:)
    Hope we all remain the same.
    Hope to interact more often.
    Thanks for visiting.

    @ThomG
    Yea,Thom the biggest problem with things is that they don't remain the way they are.
    We kill our dreams,our aspirations as we grow up cause we stop believing in them.
    I wish you too revive your happeist/luckiest attitude back.

    @Tumblewords
    Thanks:)
    Yes,Tumblewords,a perfect day is what we all have been yearning for.I only hope that one day we could call a day as the perfect day.
    Thanks again.

    @Dee Martin
    Thanks dear.
    It was good to see you.
    These wishes are what keep us sailing.
    Wish to meet you more:)

    @Americanising Desi
    Thanks for feeling the impact.
    Since I wrote after quite a long time so I was wondering that whether I could convey the right meaning or not.
    Thanks for feeling the impact:)

    ~Harsha

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  6. Dear Poet,
    If you are receiving this announcement, it means that at one time or another you linked an acrostic poem at Acrostic Only. We are in the process of preparing for our first Acrostic Only Anthology – Volume I. If you care to be a part of this wonderful project, please visit our Blog for more information.

    We will be choosing poems to be considered for the Anthology from January – March, 2010. However, if you desire to have some of your work considered, there are a couple of deadlines you will have to meet, and you must email me your intentions to acrosticonly@gmail.com!

    I thank you all for supporting Acrostic Only, and I look forward to another year poetic interaction.

    Happy New Year to you, your beloved family, and readers!
    Amias

    ReplyDelete
  7. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA


    Bhai .. I missed yaar ..... wo Gate ke pass mujhe bhi khada hona chaheye tha.....

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  8. Hey harsha....Gosh i couldn't stop reading ur blog man !! This piece really struck me as though u were writing my own thoughts.
    Waise didya say u r working with IBM? Me too :)
    Hope you wouldn mind if i pinged u on ST :)

    Keep blogging !!

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  9. @songofsea
    Thanks dear.
    Its a real pleasure to have you here.
    We have once crossed paths in my blog,but that meeting was small:)
    Its wonderful to know that u too are in IBM as rarely I have found people interested in blogging in any of the companies I have worked.
    It would be real nice to have a chat wid u.Well since right nowam working on banking domain(lloyds)so am not much available on sametime(because of red line).
    But then there are a lot many ways:)
    Hope to get in touch with you soon.Would soon catch u on ur blog.
    Thanks for liking my work:)

    ~Harsha

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  10. Oh yeah sure there are many ways to contact...gotcha gmail id. So will add u if u dont mind...c ya till then :)

    ReplyDelete

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