sadness again

sadness_again_by_boko

How should I behave now. 

Has it to be intermittent sadness with splurges of happiness knowing that atleast for a few more days we would be together. Or would it be the delusionary phase when I know that things wont last long. The caricature is about to give way soon, I don’t know if I will embrace the falling structure as one more of my, to be possible success stories or if I would collapse under something which has seen me put every morsel of food that I could ever muster by giving it to the monument by not eating. You know that I had been true cause I too know that. Oh how much I had yearned just to sit with you after coming from office listening to your anecdotes. How much would the priceless cup of tea would be missed which would have found way to me through your love.

There would still be a car waiting but in vain which would have been ours, bought not with money but with our choice. How much would I contemplate what to gift you secretly or miss the mail which would suddenly secretly could have found its way to your inbox.

How can I tell you what my parents would feel when they know that such an angel does exist and that too in their very house. How much I would miss those arms which have always rightfully found the clasp just strong enough to make me feel that I am not alone.

I know what I am feeling would not be even thought of after a few days cause maybe after a few days I too would be nothing more but a grim memory, a memory which one never loses but neither much thinks about it.

The biggest question that I should ask myself is that would my body be capable to take one more blow. I may look strong, fatter and healthier than many but then I too am the master of a feeble heart. I know this too shall pass like the innumerable stories, like the cherished dreams, like the aspirations which just missed by a margin and fell by the window sill.

Know what, I too feel sad but sadly don’t bring it out for others fearing that it would rub off to others.

Oh how much I want to cry and be all alone.

Sometimes I think of being the new man who maybe has a future but this concussion has gnawed deep inside. Memories away I too would be a normal man.

Since time immemorial I have loved you and at the back of my mind would continue to do so.

Maybe I might attend your marriage as well and maybe just maybe wait for a few more years thinking that maybe you still might come back. And maybe you will.

Realistically people things and happiness moves on and moves on sadness as well.

My words are finding ways to tell me of what lies beneath me, just hope that some day your parents too would know what had been laying ahead. I cannot even say anything to you cause I know that you have loved me more than I had ever loved you.

Sometimes I think that there is still time and sometimes I feel all time has come to an end. Maybe then somewhere you would understand that there are other things, other things above family.

Sometimes we call that as love.

~Harsha