parallels

We move slowly in unison. As and when fear approaches thoughts take a backseat. Days go by as I scrum through the few rummages that are left in my head.

You stand there sermonising and I sit here ascertaining that I DON’T understand.

Sometimes the coherence kills me of not being in sync while during a different realm we see spirit gilded.

I have been a believer, a believer in disbelief.

I have been a follower, a follower of leader less state.

I have been a thinker, a thinker of statelessness. 

Words really don't mean what they were made for.

Ok , I agree that they were made for a cause and are still agreed upon for the same,but then you cant argue with me over the fact that their usage has found meanings,which have been different.

A difference not epic in the usage but subtle in the meaning cause it has been ages when I first keyed these words.

Courtsey: The Dark knight begins(Comic Book-Tenth edition DC comics)

A seemingly fluid story has just been an egoistical fight to end.

This draws some parallels with the regular tendencies I exhibit.

It would be difficult to comprehend, I understand that. 

But then this was never written for you,it was meant to satisfy me and me alone.

You finding pleasure or hatred from the same is truly unintentional.

Lets face the fact that I have grown and that too quite big. You cannot mislead me any more.

Days of your mocking me are over.

Cause next time when you come back with that determined face of yours to laugh at me again, then also come prepared to taste blood.

Yes warm blood and the first crinkle that would tingle your senses and would make you to question that is it really your blood that tastes so sweet. I understand it would be difficult for you to accept this cause sweetness and you have been eons back lost each other.

But then it never was for you to understand it was me and only me who wants this understanding.

You still try to overpower me.

You try to make me think that I am writing a story.You force me harder to believe that what i am writing is for public consumption.You dream to navigate my mind.

I know it,I can actually feel your grin deep inside me satiated that you are the one who is creating these words inside my mind.

All would have been superb only if it was really the story that was going in your head.

But know what this demand too, really is random, random shit.

And even I don't know what my next word would be, what my next move could be.

I stand free from your grip writing whatever I feel.These words living the way they want, waxing and waning through cycles not bounded by a writer's imagination.

You find it difficult to understand still,right.But then it never was for you.

Between I am ego.

~Harsha

This week's 3ww are crinkle,demand and navigate

uneasy stares

Summoning of the muse- By Karma Lizard

We look at each other till the stares become uneasy. 

I at you thinking what could be your next move and you at me thinking that when I would stop, thinking.

The action awaits and the silence is deafening. Maybe it is the silence before the storms rush in, the kind of sound which comes in a deluge, just before a river gushes in, just after a death when the soul rushes in.

I know my worth is no different and you know your time and name is affluent.

Even then this gaze persists as if we are pawns in a maze where agony persists.

The tension would break soon and your form would change soon.

We would dwell into the darkness as soon as happiness would turn sanguine.

I know that we are constrained by time, by ideas, by life. You may not be always near me and I, may not be, always.

Still we stare like life’s snare. Deep within lie lines dwindling between love and lust.

I don’t know when my intent gaze could be condemned for being an animal, when it would be hated for being the primal instinct.

Finally I cower in. My patience killing the best out of me. My restraint pushing the worst from me.

Finally we make contact as if it has been ages since I touched you back.

I devour you slowly as you feel me and we together move slowly.

Yes, my muse I am talking about you. After years of wait am again back writing. Now you won’t be blank any more cause I have started to write, write again.  

~Harsha

Bowen Mccoy

Image source- Lelia(click on the caption to check artist's work)

On a  hill so high
Bowen Mccoy stood as small as a  fly

Plight of a sadhu or fight of a man
Life of a being or death of his mind

Years of planning and days of rigor
Made him ready with power and vigor

Should I carry him down
and let the sadhu take my crown
                  OR
Should I reach the top
and 'maybe' leaving sadhu's life to a stop

I maybe wrong or maybe I am wrong
My heart will frown or my mind gets strong

"I think"
I will follow my aim
by climbing the peak
I will follow my heart
by leaving him with options not so bleak

I reach the top and scale the spot
but conscience asks me is the sadhu alright


On a  hill so high
Bowen Mccoy stood as small as a  fly

------------------------------------------------
For insights on this poem it is highly recommended to go through
The parable of the sadhu(source-www.media.miamiherald.com)

It talks about the dilemma of Bowen Mccoy who while scaling the peak of a hill top comes across an ailing almost dead sadhu. The question that looms in front of him is to whether carry the sadhu back to the base camp or continue with his journey.Bowen leaves the sadhu with another group of trekkers to move forward.But the question keeps on haunting him. A management question torn between ethics and goals.
And more so what we, I as human being constantly face, the battle of the heart and mind.

~Harsha

Arjuna's penance

Bima_Melawan_Arjuna_by_transbonja

Was standing there,in the midst of Mahabalipuram.
Had went in search for a happy lunch,a sudden hitch to settle my poor enunciated emancipated body.

And there in all its glory,two words were all I could see.

"Arjuna's penance."
or was it - Random shit.

Suddenly, images came to me when after one of his battles Arjuna would have come and think.
After even talking to Krishna,even after agreement that Kauravas were sinners and he had to behead them,even after that he would come back and talk to himself.Say sorry to himself for killing his brothers.
After mustering the courage,entering Yudhisthara's bedroom to choose his karma over the respect of his brother and brother's wife(at that time),even after choosing what is right,he would come back and think in his penance.

A figure so big as Arjuna himself too had his penance,his moments of glory,his tears of remorse.

And I me myself,all 3 of us still unaware of weaknesses.
Still, very much involved in life's glory but never ever retrospecting what went wrong always.
Why the same mistake's have been killing me since ages.
The recipe of success which I drank once has become elusive.

Need to slow down a bit.I know I can't slowdown this world.
It would be a rat race.
Maybe I better slow down to understand myself.
Anyways this race is not about others,the world but for me.

As a friend of mine,Samir and maybe his friend has rightly said-
"the trouble in the rat race is dat.. even if u win.. ur still a rat..."

This week's 3ww being hitch,drank,muster

Between I just crossed my 100 posts(This is 101th post : )
~Harsha

moment of truth

Image Courtsey-The_Rooftop_Confrontation_by_Zinfer

Do you really know how it feels all the time.
Why am I so much at odds with myself. I know the truth that others don't know...about me.

I am a big time coward.

It won't be even noticed by others,I either play this game with extreme perfection or my so called luck has been so exorbitantly placed that the slickness makes people believe that I am a confidence powerhouse.But even then I should get caught.It is difficult to be admired at times.
Sometimes I believe the sooner the better.
The way I operate is nothing but my self handicap mechanism.
 I talk a lot about new opportunities, taking part in initiatives,portraying myself,doing discussions but just when the point comes I think I turn cold.
Cold like a frozen fish,not stale but even then lifeless.
After that whatever I do, dubiously push me into havens I don't want to tread.
Piece by piece I peel myself but still no one sees it.

Till when is the question.
Bigger questions still stand.Some of them are sad revelations.There was a time when I had the gift of gab driven  by a strong persuasive force.Those were the times when I could make you agree on anything with my powerful points.Of late the debater in me has taken a run for his life.I now start but the moment point trickle I take a stand.

The stand now being- not to think neither to argue.
I will take everything you give.Now I don't debate.Only the gift of gab remains.
Aimless,directionless,speechless.

It is as if these thoughts have no base.There is no thought process to follow.

This whole introspection was there always but it has been staring at my face since yesterday.
Yesterday I met Samir after ages.Samir my would be co author if ever we write something.

We both were discussing and shooting down ideas for a book which someday we would produce.I was explaining him why certain things won't work compared to the different genres present.

He told me one thing-That I (Harsha) was a guy who gets easily influenced by others always.

The discussion is still there but this thought kept on lingering.
I have been looking back on these issue since then again and again.
Questions are hard to answer.It actually matters from which side of the table I am looking at.

But,then the view remains the same.

This week's 3ww being admire,follow,piece
~Harsha

the thin line

Image credit:Mindsurfing on a thin line... by ~dominododo

Have I forgotten the thin line.
The thin line's flailing omnipresence,
The thin line's meteoric rise,
The thin line's benign malice,
How can I ignore the conquest i had over that thin line.

Before we all slumber out over this issue I believe it is an important to reveal what "the thin line"is .

I call the thin line as the transition line.The border that contains borders.
It is not too big for anything neither too small.

Sounds melancholic yet pensive.

Let me put it this way. Eons ago I realized one thing.
It is always not needed to pretend.
It is always not needed to press your self for things you want to morph into.
It is all in the mind and once you achieve that supreme mind morph things would be easy.

Have you ever tried swimming.
How insanely difficult it has been.I for one never understood the way it worked.
Keep your head over the water, take a deep breath, move your hands in unison with your body.
By the time it ended my whole body just pained,until one day when I was just drifting with the flow.

No efforts needed, no muscle twitched all just plain pleasure.
That was exactly the day when I crossed the thin line.

After many days this thin line surfaced again just because I was looking at the pics of some healthy guy,healthier and at par with me.
There was no struggle to conceal the plumpness, no pain,no disdain just pure acceptance and I believe now he was looking at his best.The best he could have looked in ages.
The best he could ever give.

Why,only because he was not struggling anymore.
He was not gnawing himself anymore,it was like as if he was swimming without the effort to swim.

And one day when we all realize the thin line and work in ways such that the thin line doesn't matter to us,the day when pretense is being knocked by omnipresence.
That day I promise the deliveries would be smooth,you yourself would be less hostile to your OWN self.
And that day whatever steps we take towards achieving that perfection,maybe that desired body,that coveted job,that deep profile anything would be possible.


~Harsha  

Investment analysis-A panacea to my woes

Long nights make me happy.
Shorter days make me even more happier.
But today's day had been long,maybe too long.
I just remembered that again cause I saw Anirudh deeply camped in Pratik's room and studying, also for a CFA course at this time of the long night.Pratik was shamelessly copying the eternal QM presentation or washe doing.Well,I found it better not to question them and left back for my room.

Yes,the day was long.
It could have reasoned and waned out like any other small day but then there was THE investment class.
Extremely thought provoking,grossly enriching........should have been the words I yearn to attach with this class.
Well, without doubts it surely was considering the extra miles the prof has been walking,waking and coaxing us to move out or move in.Actually,I don't really remember now after his numerous -"You not interested,pre reads exist,go wash your face" lines.
One thing that happened good was the social networking I did.It has really been years after I really messaged someone.And when I realised this in the midst of the class, I also realised that the whole list in my phone's contacts has never been touched since I have joined this MBA class.It is only my girlfriend and me who exchange messages.
So,with this newly found renaissance I set on a mission.
A mission to send personalised messages to all of them.During the process I also realised that many numbers had become extinct now and many of my friends would have been feeling as if their prehistoric friend has finally arisen to text them.
Oh,yes and the class was still going.Infact he is one of the best profs I would come across.
Still I managed this because 3 terms teach you how to text like hell and at the same time maintain einstein's unflinching interested expression.

After finishing major texting I realised that there was still time left.The class had not devoured the stipulated 3 hour 15 minutes assigned to it.
I once again stood like the mindless numb staring at people asking brilliant questions and the prof entertaining with the most stimulating insights which later zombified into breath taking(pun intended) discussions.
Somebody not agreeing at all.Of late I have been seeing in all choice based questions in a show of hands a clear demarcation of yes and no.2 for yes,7 for no and the remaining 130 poor creatures who could not decide what conspiracy the world is upto and hence not able to raise hands in either of the choices.
But the flavour of the season had been-None of the above which explained why without knowing a single word ,sometimes I reigned supreme,in my eyes atleast.
Today was no different.
Then don't know why,looking at the enthusiasm I felt bad,bad at me wasting myself.
Straddled in one of the most prestigious and costliest courses India could give and still wasting my time in mindless messaging.
What would be my upgraded version when I leave this place after one year.
I clearly was not studying but also not feeling bad,infact not feeling anything regarding this.
Might be because some people have put in my mind that all this would never be asked,some have told that placements don't even ask for your marks,some have driven down the fact that whatever you do in your life you would only get an IT job.
And hence no studies.
But then this has happened earlier.
Before my CAT days,I had stopped believing that I could do something,that time the reasons were different in themselves but still the same as of now.
It din't take me much time that the competition giving cat had either been from the best schools,best engineering colleges,were into jobs or had magnificent extra currics which meant state level wins.
I was in a school which itself was decent in the city but my marks discounted me from any merit I could associate with that association.Infact I wonder whether the school has blacklisted me from their alumni list after the dizzying bottoms I had brought their disciplined academic records to by my on the border marks in Phy Chem and maths.
College was so reputed that even the grocery store owner next to our college would never know about it.
Job-I was unaware of such terms.
But I hoped to qualify directly into IIMs.
With much hope I cracked the cat my first attempt with a marvelous score.
Actually it took me few days to tell myself that a score of 29 percentile is marvelous only from the last and even a school going boy would get more if he doesn't mark a single answer.
That day had been the same.
But then I saw a dream,for myself,which clearly ordered me and begged me to atleast have a dream, a dream only to satiate myself.It told me that no matter what the circumstances be atleast be true to yourself.
I again gave CAT.Yes,it took me four attemps wherein the 29 tutned to 58,58 to 85,85 to 91 and finally 91 to 97.8 percentile.Yes,it is not a big deal and I agree but for some one who had got a 33 in maths in 12th CBSE board this atleast appeared satisfactorily amazing.
And all happened cause I made myself beleive in myself.
It was that one dream one day.

Just that hope is missing somewhere.
And then the class again resumed with someone else caught sleeping.
The mental image needs to be built again.
Murmuring again took over the class.
And I need to believe that I can fit the picture that I am about to draw for myself.
We were given the choice to leave the class if we wanted.
A picture which would again show me  a dream.

Neither me left nor the dream.

~Harsha

P.S.-The author humbly agrees that this is not a gimmick to show off his only achievement in life although which has not been much and that is his cat score,so the above text should not be used against him.

P.P.S.-The author is an asshole and it is late in the night.